Being an all or nothing girl
When I’m in, I’m all in.
My ‘all in’ seems to run at about 150% and has and is often too much for people. I have become more graceful with the way I can accidentally step on people’s toes, when moving towards the illusive destination, when taking conscious steps towards my Vow in the present moment. As I have gotten older, I have certainly softened around the edges. My Vow has become crystal clear and I’m lucky that it heavily involves all of the work that I do.
I’m full on. I’ve been told this from a young age: too loud, too intense – so. full. on.
I have run and grown numerous businesses – not without ruffling feathers along the way. I have been in multiple relationships (of all types) where my intensity has become way too much. I used to get told as a child to “shhhhhhh” all the time. So, as a pattern, I grew up feeling like no one really wanted to hear me. So, I would bulldoze my way to where I wanted to be. Solo. Alone. Usually successfully in regards to the goal, but perhaps not so much in regards to not burning people along the way.
I fucking love life and I have been known to squeeze every juicy ounce out of it. I know this can seem contradictory to the Yogic way of Zen and contentment, but I believe we can have it all. Perhaps, just not right now.
I move towards happiness and ease. I have a wide view, which is inclusive of my past and my future. I’m good at walking away from things that don’t make me feel whole and aligned.
I don’t buy into life being hard. I certainly know that challenges come up along the way, but the hard part depends on how we deal with it. I feel like my life used to be hard, but as I’ve followed this path, the challenging times are drenched in trusting the process.
I feel so lucky to have had my teacher scoop me up and take me under his wing. It’s my therapy. Mainly, this connection keeps me solidly connected to that Vow: My everything. My reason. My why behind every single decision I make.
Not that long ago, I was plagued by anxiety, which I have not experienced in years. Yes, that was hard. It has taken practice to continuously remind myself that this is part of the process. It has taken countless times reaching out – sometimes to people who I feel receive me, and at times, to people who don’t. And, that’s ok.
I can move into times of grasping, when it feels like I’m choking for air. Anxiety for me has always been a huge sign that something needs to shift: if it reoccurs, I’m still to take the correct fork in the path. It’s not like I’ve taken the wrong road, but I just haven’t merged back into full flow. My body screams this to me in a way that simply cannot be ignored. Not because life is meant to be hard, but because I have been ignoring some more subtle signs, which have now turned into big, neon, flashing lights. AKA anxiety.
I sometimes find myself falling into the old patterns of blaming myself for being too intense. Of wishing that I could just work and play at 80%. Of not sitting back and being wholeheartedly with my discomfort, and acting in a way that makes me feel like I am unable. You see, I know myself so well, that I know this: intense sensations in my body are a sure and definite sign that something needs to shift. I more often than not, nut out the direction I need to go, quite quickly.
This direction, for sure, comes out of sitting in stillness, but flow state comes from taking action. Perhaps a string of conversations, a shifting of paths – and I am back on track. Pronto. I don’t wait around feeling like a steaming turd. I take action towards feeling good. I always have. I take action, I fuck up, I dust myself off, apologise if I need to, and keep on going.
If my dad has given me an absolute pearl, it has been to make sure every single decision you make takes you to where you want to go. Without being attached to the outcome. I truly believe this. I believe happiness and contentment come from being present in the actions, but the actions need to take place if you want to experience growth.
I used to want to rip myself open. Dive so deeply inside, that I would feel turbulent and chaotic, to emerge in serenity. I would live for the extreme polarity of existence. The darker I could dive, the lighter my overall experience. It sounds so opposing, and it is. These days, I definitely understand more of what it means to take the middle road but because of the intimate and loving connection I have with myself, I have allowed my intensity, drive, passion, full on-ness to be liberated, loved and whole heartedly embraced.
If I’m not on board, I will drop it like a hot cake. If I feel like it isn’t working, I will walk away. I can unlink myself of any attachment to anything, which makes me unhappy because my mother gave me another pearl of pearls – if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t. Numerous times, I have worked at things incredibly hard, to simply decide to leave it behind. I’ve always been good at walking away from things, which don’t fill my cup entirely. Pack up, leave, move towards my aspirations.
I have been told I run away a lot in my life. I was told it so much that I started to believe that too, but in my late 20s, I came to the realisation that I was running towards things: I run towards doing things I love. I run towards things and experiences, which make me feel whole. I do things, which excite me. I take action towards helping people do the same, because life is too fucking short to sit back and wait. Entwined intricately in the ever present polarity is coming back home. I always come back home. To this one breath: to the intimacy only I have with my body: to stilling the mind. To the innate knowing pumping through my veins, which connects me to every single thing around me. Which connects me to my Vow.
Life wasn’t meant to be hard. Work wasn’t meant to be hard. Relationships: sure they need work, but hard? Nup – I let go of relationships that are hard. These things, I believe, are meant to be joyful. For sure, there is pain. There is discomfort – because, without that, we wouldn’t know contentment, peace, equilibrium and serenity.
So, for those who hear me when I talk about being too full on, we practice this: stay on your path. Carve it out consistently and steadily. Know where you are going without being attached to where you end up. Be driven, passionate and do all the things you love with vigour, so you can show your children that they too, can do and have anything. That happiness comes before things. That in order to do things you love, and teach others how to do the same, action needs to be taken. Lessons need to be learnt. Life needs to be cherished and loved. Teach them to be still and to stop and breathe, by leading by example. Let go of things. Have experiences. Be deliberate in your choices. Fuck up along the way. Apologise. Be full on. Do it with love. Be too much. Do that with love too.
If you be yourself and completely yourself and let go of expectations of everyone around you, life will fall into place. You will be happy. You will find love. You will believe in yourself and you will love every inch of intensity you entail.